Return to Horrible High

For this week I chose a lesser-known old horror movie- Return to Horror High. To make things clear, the movie is not a sequel. The title has to do with the plot, which I’ll get into in a bit. My reasoning for choosing the 1987 movie was simply morbid curiosity. The only reason to remember or know of Return to Horror High in the first place is because it was George Clooney’s first movie role. Here’s the trailer before I go any further.

Return to Horror High was an attempt at a mixed genre, horror/comedy, which did not really work that well as either. The film takes place at the abandoned Crippen High School. The back-story is that in 1982 several students were slaughtered in the school, and the murderer was never caught. Fast-forward a few years. The new story is that someone in Hollywood wanted to capitalize on a town’s tragedy, and a low-budget film crew has set up shop in the abandoned school. To save money they even sleep there, which is just obviously the smartest idea. One by one the actors and crew-members go missing, and its apparent: the killer is back. The story flips back and forth from the making of the “film” to after when the lone survivor from the crew is talking to the police, surrounded by the covered sheets of what used to be his friends. 

photo courtesy of imdb.com

This movie was just ridiculous. The plot, the acting, the list goes on. It is the worst old horror movie I’ve reviewed so far. Since I got that off my chest, I’ll go a little more into details.

First of all, any George Clooney fans will be disappointed to know that his character is the first to meet his demise. His total screen time amounts to less than ten minutes. On the plus side, he’s sporting a full head of dark brown hair. Not a grey hair in sight.

The only other notable actor to appear in the movie is Maureen McCormick. McCormick is best known as Marcia Brady. McCormick gives a laughable (and not in the good way) performance as Officer Tyler, a police officer investigating the film crew’s bloody end. My best guess is that her character was supposed to add to the comedy side of the film, but came off more as just plain stupid. 

Another point that drove me crazy was the sound effects. During the death scenes they were just ridiculous. The “squishing” noises were just too over-the-top. And during every death there is this squeaking sound that gives the killer away.  

However, the weirdest thing of all is the end. There are three different endings. I do not mean DVD menu, deleted scenes endings. I mean that the writer tried to throw a few wrenches and have a twist on a twist on a twist ending. I really just wanted it to end, and was definitely not amused when something else happened. And it wasn’t just the writing of the ending. The writing throughout the movie was just ridiculous. The result was neither scary nor funny. It was just boring. And bad. 

I think you can guess what my closing statement is going to be along the lines of. My recommendation is to not watch Return to Horror High. Ever. There is no part of the movie that’s worth watching, not even for curiosity’s sake. Trust me. I found that out the hard way.